black history, Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus, Society

How Coronavirus Saved My Life Podcast: episode 20

The conditioning (Society’s Conditioned View of the Black Man Experience)

Sneak Peak into my conversation with Podcaster Willie Porter from The Thing About Us Podcast

My Conversation with Willie Porter about his personal experience
My father and I at a company picnic.
black history, Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus, racism, Society

My Racist Father, How his Racism Affected me….

How Hearing my Father Say the N-Word Frequently Affected Me

Growing up with a racist father was exhausting. I have many memories of us riding around in his car. He would scream the N-word to other drivers he felt were driving stupidly. He wouldn’t just say the N-word. The word “stupid” or “dumb” always came before. Hearing “Stupid N***er” growing up was confusing, terrifying, and strange. He never explained how these people were “stupid” or what the N-word meant. My young body told me all I needed to know. My body would become tense and nauseated. My body still tenses when I recall these memories.

My first memory of my father was of him threatening to shoot my Mother. He was pacing the living room, on drugs, and full of hate. I remember being in freeze mode as my Mother and Step-Father were knocking on the windows calling my name outside. This was on Thanksgiving.

My first memory of Thanksgiving was violence.

How ironic.

Because of his racism, I have always been drawn to other cultures and races. Especially the African American culture and community. I have always been a seeker asking many questions– particularly when it comes to injustice. I think on some level I was trying to find the evidence of my racist Father’s misguided hatred. There was none. What I did find were loving communities, big families, good food, and the BEST churches.

Christine as a teenager and her racist father at a work party
Me (age 15 or 16) and my father

I was 15 the first time I went to a Black Church. The JOY was infectious. I remember wondering why everyone was so HAPPY. I had never seen happiness on that level in my life. My body had a different response this time. A response of pure LOVE which I had never felt. A response I am forever grateful for.

The African American Community showed me what LOVE is. More importantly, what LOVE feels like. It felt like a SAFE warm blanket surrounding me.

Towards the end of my father’s life he began to change his mind. My last video of him is being dumbfounded our family once owed slaves. I couldn’t believe what he was saying so I had to record it. I am so glad I did because he was not hopeless. He was not born racist. He was conditioned to be racist by my racist Grandmother. She was conditioned as well.

My father left me one MORE surprise after his death. Most of the people he hired to handle his affairs before he died were African American. He hired those “stupid” people to handle his most important documents.

How ironic.

Confederate soldiers grave marker outside my racist grandmother's cemetery
Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus, podcast, racism, Society

My Racist Grandmother…

How her Hatred and Racism Affected me

Yesterday, I felt my dead racist Grandmother was summoning me to visit her grave.

One of those gut following kind of things. I had never visited her grave all these years she’s been dead. She is buried not far from my house in a grave next to my Uncle.

When I was a kid she would tell me things like I was not allowed to swim with black people because it was “like bathing with them”. She viewed black Americans as animals.

She was horrible to everyone in general.

Her racism, along with other family members, is most likely the reason I have always been drawn to non-white cultures and ethnicities.

My Grandmother was physically beautiful. Classic 1950s movie star look with perfectly curled hair from rollers. Skin always shiny. Obsessed with her weight. She had a great sense of fashion. In fact, she owned a popular dress shop back in the day.

There was little beauty on the inside. Masculine and tough to the core.

During my 20 min drive I kept wondering why she wanted to be buried in this particular cemetery. And here it was. My answer.

Confederate grave marker
Confederate Grave Maker

She wanted to be buried with her hatred

She had so much hatred in her racist heart.

When she died years ago, she almost died alone with no family until I decided, with help of my friend, to be there with her. She died within minutes of me arriving.

Visiting her cemetery and seeing this marker caused many emotions to come flooding back. Emotions buried so deeply of her abuse to myself and others.

I am grateful I followed my gut. Why? Because I released all that buried anger, hurt, and confusion. I have been storing and repressing those emotions deep in my body and soul.

Now I can move on. Now I can help myself and others heal.

I am so happy to have so many beautiful people in my life with huge hearts.

It’s a reflection of you and a reflection of me.

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

The Balloons of Childhood Programming

What kind of balloon will you hand your child today? What balloon will you give your inner child?

The childhood programming balloons I was given were demeaning, abusive, manipulative,etc which created a constant environment of uncertainty and a foundation of lack of worth. 

My parents were married for just a few short years…

But continued to be verbally abusive to one another and constantly complaining to ME–a child–about what they hated about the other person. 

Everytime my father would say derogatory remarks about my mom and vice versa, I naturally perceived this to be about me. Each complaint they made was a direct reflection about who I was. 

Children think in concrete terms due to brain development. Children believe they are an extension of their parents. If one parent is trashing the other, the child takes it in deeply–to the core of their worth. 

I recently had a friend tell me I was cherished. I was stunned because I had never heard or witnessed my parents or any adult say this, especially not to me. I had to look up the word Cherish to really know what it meant. 

So today the Balloon I give to my child is how much I cherish her father. You are cherished 

Mr. Perez. 

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

episode 14: the dysregulation

Summary

In this episode I interview my therapist friend Sandy, LPC who blew my mind with her poetic Facebook posts about the effects of childhood trauma on the body, importance of self-protection (two little words saying N-O), and much more. I am excited to venture into an interview style podcast so I, along with others, can get the healing tools for our individual needs.  — This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/howcoronavirussavedmylife/support

Transcription

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

Welcome Back to Codependency…

Welcome back to day 2 of Codependency….

Now that we are UNconsciously in a trauma bond on the Island of Save and Rescue..

It’s time to kick it up a notch! We now enter Phase 2 of “Prove your Love for Me”. This phase consists of TESTS! Everyone likes a good test, right? Don’t worry the TESTS will start out as little pebbles then become boulders!! And once you have passed all my inner child’s tests then we do something called RAISE THE BAR.

Sigh…..well now you’ve passed all the unconscious tests, it quiet, no chaos…which guess what? Scares us because we’ve never known what it feels like to be safe.

So now what? I KNOW….we’ll become workaholics! Now why in the world would we do this? Oh that’s right…to AVOID the deep inner sadness and unworthiness we feel. Work provides us with rewards! Work is where we are near perfect! Plus all of our friends are there!! Woo hoo! It’s like a huge playground of FIGHT or FLIGHT. We’ll be so busy we won’t have time to think about all those uncomfortable feelings.

Fast forward 5 years later….my inner child and myself can’t figure out why we are so burned out and unhappy…..mmmmm.

And this concludes Codependency Theatre.

Join us tomorrow for a Special Thanksgiving Edition of “Why don’t we have sex anymore?” (Inner child shrugs)

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

episode 14: the dysregulation

Summary

In this episode I interview my therapist friend Sandy, LPC who blew my mind with her poetic Facebook posts about the effects of childhood trauma on the body, importance of self-protection (two little words saying N-O), and much more. I am excited to venture into an interview style podcast so I, along with others, can get the healing tools for our individual needs.  — This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/howcoronavirussavedmylife/support

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

episode 13: the worthiness

Summary

Realizing I have been seeking external validation because I did not feel worthy. I also could not a find a definition of worthy or worthiness that I could agree with. This by far has been my favorite episode to record because I had one of the most powerful breakthroughs which led to me discovering I am worthy of it all. WE ARE WORTHY OF IT ALL. 

This episode is sponsored by

· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/howcoronavirussavedmylife/support

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

episode 12: the validation

Summary of Episode 12: the validation of How Coronavirus Saved my Life Podcast

Plot twist: it wasn’t all my ex husband’s fault. Sometime we think we have all the facts of how someone, especially your spouse, is feeling. The thing is –we have no clue. Spouses can make a lot of assumptions about the other is feeling and what they are think if communication is lacking. As well as feeling safe to share your feelings. I expected my husband to improve his “faults” and things I was lacking from him. But not once did I ask him what he thought I needed to improve on or what he was lacking from me. We really never know what someone is thinking. And BTW—men usually aren’t thinking about much per my male friends.

This episode is sponsored by

· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/howcoronavirussavedmylife/support

Personal, Podcast, Racism, Mental Health, Coronavirus

episode 11: the nirvana

Summary

I planned on making this my final episode. The universe had different plans for me and my healing. Thank you to my friends, families, strangers on the street, co-workers for your support. I appreciate people sharing their own stories as well. We learn from each other. Sharing our stories is where love is found. 

This episode is sponsored by

· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/howcoronavirussavedmylife/support