Hearing the N-Word my entire life was a trauma for me. Witnessing injustice frequently impacted my childhood. Injustice was a trauma for me.
Today’s episode is about my experience with being raised by a Racist White Alcoholic Father.
How my Father not only said the N-Word but would describe a group of people as subhuman. Connecting the dots with how my father became racist and how his racism has led to my soul’s calling.
How my racist grandmother would not let me swim with black people.
Why I have always been drawn to other cultures.
And the surprising time I felt love and safety for the first time at 14 years old.
Thank you for listening. My hope is for others to find ways to heal through my journey.
We all have a story. An untrue story we’ve been telling ourselves since childhood—an inaccurate story created by the broken people who raised us. Our Parents.
A Narcissistic Mother and an Alcoholic, Racist Father built my story.
These two broken people created my childhood story filled with chaos, toxicity, no accountability, emotional abuse, manipulation, and reckless behaviors.
My childhood story was built on a toxic illusion created by two broken people–My Parents.
My narcissistic mother, who was emotionally abusive and manipulative and constantly demanded I prove my love to her, built half my story.
My alcoholic racist father, who was chaotic and unpredictable, put me in unsafe situations and who was consistently inconsistent, created the other half.
My childhood story, created by my toxic parents, was a story built on unworthiness, chaos, confusion, and uncertainty which led me to toxic cycles of behaviors, thought patterns, low self-esteem, and not showing up for myself.
A story I did not know at the time was untrue.
A story I believed for years.
My Emotionally Immature Parents with no Awareness
My parents had ZERO awareness. Their world was wrapped up in selfishness and trying to meet their needs through toxic, repeated behaviors and cycles.
My home lacked unconditional love, connection, empathy, and compassion because these broken people created my home.
As you can imagine, this story didn’t allow me to believe I had value or worthiness. It didn’t allow me to believe I deserved anything better than what I got from this childhood story. It didn’t allow me to believe I could do anything different than the broken model shown to me.
My story is not unique but common among many children raised by narcissists and alcoholics. Narcissistic parents break their children down until they depend entirely on them for everything: food, warmth, and clothing. The child becomes an extension of the narcissist; they do whatever they say without question because they want to please them so badly. They don’t realize they are losing their identity in this process because they are too young to understand what is happening in their lives.
How my Story Shifted
How could I heal this broken story? How could I rewrite this narrative? How could I change the ending? How could I rewrite my childhood story?
How did my untrue story shift?
My untrue story shifted in my backyard when I had Coronavirus. This false story turned when I thought I was going to die.
A pivotal moment in my backyard-when I thought I would die from the acute Coronavirus symptoms in April of 2020- was the beginning of questioning that BROKEN story—my childhood story, which those broken people built.
I was short of breath. I couldn’t breathe. My brain told me to call 911, or I would die.
But, I paused and listened to MY GUT.
My gut told me if I called 911, I would die because I would believe it.
Several minutes later, I was ok. How is this possible?
The beginning of questioning that false childhood story started with my own false belief instantly changing.
This moment of thinking I would die was the beginning of my new story and shift. A shift into a new story I would create on MY TERMS.
A story and belief I was worthy of.
A story of worthiness we all deserve.
Awareness is the Key
The first step to healing my childhood story was awareness.
I had to learn that my story was not true because there were too many inconsistencies in it and it didn’t fit anymore with who I was becoming now in this moment.
I had to teach myself awareness of being in the moment and conscious of my thoughts and behaviors. Awareness is a skill every single person has.
I read the life-changing book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza, who is a neuroscientist, Researcher of epigenetics and quantum physics. In Joe Dispenza’s book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, he says that 90% of the thoughts we think are the same thoughts we thought the day before, the day before that, and the day before that one.
This was my aha moment, as I’d never heard of this before. So, I decided to test this by observing my thoughts. And guess what? Dr. Dispenza was right. It was true.
Teaching myself awareness
Observation skills are fundamental in getting to know yourself and your thoughts.
When we can look at situations in new and different ways, it enables us to make necessary changes.
I’ve had to teach myself awareness by observing my thought process.
Observing my thoughts helped me evaluate how I think, behave, and eventually react to every problem I encounter daily.
Observing your thoughts and emotions helps create your new story.
Observing your thoughts and emotions may not come easily or naturally because our minds are used to the same old beliefs and feelings we’ve had forever.
I started by observing my thoughts and reactions and then writing these down. I would ask myself, “Is this thought true? What is your evidence? What is my limiting belief?”.
Questioning this story, these beliefs created by those broken people, was my game changer. Questioning these untrue beliefs created my new story of worthiness, strength, and how I viewed myself.
Our thoughts hold the key to that untrue story, but our awareness has power then our questions change that story.
The Memory of My Father Drinking Forever Stuck in my Mind (A 12-year old me beside him)
Summary
What do we do when a painful childhood memory comes up? Do we ignore the painful memory? Do we stuff the painful memory down with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, overworking, toxic relationships, starving ourselves, people pleasing, and saving others? What do we do if multiple painful childhood memories flood in at once?
This episode was inspired by my client who didn’t want to remember her painful childhood. Little did I know a flood of childhood memories would happen after our encounter. Memories of my father always using alcohol, drugs, weed, cigarettes, etc. Memories of him giving me alcohol when I was 3 years old. Memories of my father teaching me to cope with stress with any substance you can get your hands on–every single night.
I recorded this episode as I was sifting through these memories. My goal is to help others shift through their painful memories as well. These memories are coming up for a reason. I am grateful for my painful memories coming to the surface because I NOW have the choice of what to do with them.
Connect with Christine for Mental Health Discussions and Tools for Recovery:
Welcome back to episode 37, part TWO! Dr. Perkins and I continue our conversation about the importance of Spirituality in Mental Health recovery.
Jack Perkins is a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Psuche Education Counseling & Coaching Services. He has a heart to help others discover the secret to living a fulfilled life by integrating their spirituality into every area of their lives. He’s seen first hand how the integration of spirituality into healthcare is important in the recovery process.
Topics Discussed:
Why integrating spirituality into healthcare is important
Why people turned to prayer after Sept 11
Spirituality gives people hope and helps them cope with depression
Why Christine went into nursing
World Health Organization states spirituality is a pillar of healthcare
Low Percentage of doctors assessing spirituality with patients
Importance of spirituality assessment in healthcare
Providers need to assess their spiritual health first
Provider bias with patients’ religions and spiritual beliefs
Jack’s touching story of helping grieving parents whose baby just died
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Connect with Christine for Mental Health Discussions and Tools for Recovery:
