Why Discovering my Inner Worthiness was Crucial to my Healing
Society’s Mother Conditioning
Society tells us that Mothers are kind, supportive, and your biggest cheerleader. Society tells us Mothers are warm, make chocolate chip cookies, listen without judgment, and push you to be your best.
My mother was the exact opposite.
Society tells us Narcissists are men who drive Corvettes, born with a silver spoon, arrogant and void of emotions. Society never mentions women as Narcissists. Society certainly never mentions Mothers—”your biggest cheerleader”—-as Narcissists.
I am a Mental Health Nurse Practitioner. I diagnose and treat people with Psychiatric Disorders. I diagnose personality disorders as well. I have been in the profession of Mental Health for over 15 years.
I am considered a Mental Health “expert”.
Even I did not know my Mother had Severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Childhood Confusion
Being a child raised by a Mother who was abusive, jealous, in competition with me, who punished me emotionally for questioning her behaviors and constantly vilifying me for my childhood “mistakes” was confusing.
Confusing to my inner worthiness.
My Mother’s Narcissistic traits were subtle. Subtle when you compare her to my father, who was a racist, vulgar, alcoholic.
So, it was difficult for me—a child—to describe exactly why she was awful. Difficult to understand why my Mother, who society deems as a martyr, your best friend, your biggest support–disliked me. And the odd and confusing feeling of having nothing in common with your mother.
So what does a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother do? She expresses her hurt, confusion, and lack of worthiness through her behaviors.
Teenage Years
My teenage years were one of rebellion, promiscuity, and illicit drug experimentation. My teenage rebellion was anything but subtle.
My behaviors screamed and spotlighted the abuse I was suffering. My lack of not giving a shit, invisibility, and no direction was a mirror to my homelife.
A mirror to my lack of worthiness.
You see, when you are raised by a Narcissistic Mother you constantly question yourself, question your reality, question your judgement, question your truth, and most importantly—your worthiness.
Below are examples of my Narcissistic Mother’s traits and abusive behaviors:
- Selfish
- Sibling Triangulation
- Gaslighting
- No Boundaries
- Pitting me against my father
- Disrespectful
- Lies
- Love Bombing
- Disregard
- Secret Keeper (not)
- Manipulation
- Conditional Love
- Destroying my Reputation
- Fantasy Land
- Pretending to be Vulnerable
- Gossiping
- Purposely Provoking
- Thriving off Chaos
- Abandoning during crisis
- Minimal Affection
Check out my podcast episode discovering my mother is a narcissist.
My hope is for others to heal by hearing my story. You are not alone.
Stay tuned for Part Two of my journey.
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